Bukowski (If God Takes Life, He's An Indian Giver)

So, Black people. I love me some Black folk, I swear. We are amazing at anything we put our minds to. Currently, I am enrolled in an African American history class, and it upsets me to realize just how little I really know.

That's not the point I'm trying to make though. What I really want to talk about is Black people and Christianity/God/Jesus. I was not raised in any religion and I thank god and my mother for that. Now, when I say "god" please empty your thoughts of old-man-white-beard-in-the-clouds-with-a-staff god that many of us like to envision. Nor do I think god is a woman. No way... see, I think god is the energy of life. No sex, no face, no "created in His image." Why would god be a man? Men, quite frankly, kinda.. well... SUCK (no offense, babe... love is love, love!)!!! And from what I've read, this man-god is kind of a douchebag. "Who would wanna be... who would wanna be... such an asshole?" Thank you, Modest Mouse.

Anyway, now as I was saying. I was watching Louis C.K. last night, and it happened to be an episode about god. Hilarious. There was a doctor at Louis' Catholic school there to explain the actual physical trauma that was imposed upon Jesus Christ at the cross. He proceeded to talk about the whip that was used to beat Jesus' back until it opened, and so on and so forth. But immediately, I thought, "a different slave went through that every single day at the hands of a white plantation owner." We have endured so much trauma, pain and abuse... yet it was all in vain? We continue to walk the path of Jesus (or whatever kind of expressions the Christians use) because he suffered and "died for our sins" when our very own family members have done the SAME THING. The suffered for us, yet here we are, collectively, being ignorant, blind morons. What is promised when you die? Really? Who knows? Who's been to heaven or hell? I haven't, and I don't know anyone who has. All of this is really to say...



I think Christianity is some bull, and Black People need to devote as much effort into real life, tangible, every day situations as they do for Jesus. He died for your sins, all well and good. But so did your family that was shipped here like cargo from Africa... respect them, and walk on their beaten path to real freedom.

BmoreProud.

I haven't posted anything in a good minute, and if you're really reading me.. I apologize for that. I can't read everything I follow (I still can't get with this whole Internet Thing... I know, I'm only 26, but I'm kind of like.. what the fuck for?!!) so maybe when you see a new post by me floating in your "people I'm following" realm then you'll be more inclined to read it.

So I went to Baltimore Pride on Saturday, and it was explosive! Dykes, lesbos, queers, fags, homos, queens, doms, fems, tops, bottoms.... I mean, any name you call out was there! LOL I had a blast, I don't know, it just seems that I'm more at home with my queer folk. Somehow, they don't seem as judgemental as straight arrows. I can be myself and not have to worry about what's wrong with the world, because according to many, they're what's wrong with the world. And when who you are is looked upon as dirty, or wrong.. you tend to be as wacked out as I am so to speak. That's a compliment. I wear my crazy well. Anywho, there was good food, good music, friends, rainbows, tu-tus and a whole heap of drinkin', and the boys thought my boobs were fabulous (which is a hell of a compliment because these bitches invented fierce, I love it!!). Who could ask for a better Saturday:

LubePride.


FoodPride.


DudePride.



BoobPride.


Then Sunday, Farjer's Day... I gave my honey a well thought out gift, and he loved it.. YAAY! Thanks for being an awesome Dad babe. I love Yoou!! We went to The Afrikan Village study group where I met and connected with the awesome Sister Ujima, had some wonderful discussions and good food AGAIN.. really? Two days in a row is too much, does that really happen? Anyhown, Sunday was great and I enjoyed my family and we had a blast learning new shit and appreciating being Black in general. Go figure I don't have any pictures of that.

Until next time muthafuckas!! xoxo

Life AfterAnalog.

I missed the beheading of Analog TV. I could have sworn that the shit was supposed to happen at 11:59 PM... for some reason, I was absolutely certain!! I was all ready to blog about the shit and make fun of it. Alas, I was at work and missed the whole shebang. So, whatever. Our household has been televisionless for FOUR WHOLE DAYS, and we're still alive and kicking. I think it will be alright. Maybe now I can finish the blanket I started crocheting back in like... fuckin' March. I want that blanket on my bed by Autumn. It shall be done.

Anyway, my mohawk sporting cousin BeeBee* stood me up (which I kinda expected...) this weekend. I mean, she sent a text and all saying maybe next time but still.. What the fuck??! Luckily I made other plans due to anticipation of her flaking on me
(BooOOOooo!!), and I had a great time with my other cousin Zacc. Yea, her mom named her after me, so she was destined for cool from the beginning. We saw The Taking of Pelham 123... and when it comes to Denzel, I'm like a middle aged freak. Gimmie Dat, Denzel!!

Me and my MiniMe decided to make a weekend of the shit and hung out on Sunday, too. This time with her crew, who I've adopted as my own:


And I must say these bitches rock. Oh, and how small is Baltimore? Found out that Zacc's good friend Tay is also my Huzbin's little sister (by marriage). But anyways, we had a blast down at Fells Point, and it was simply beautiful:




I was feeling extra cute that day so I took some self portraits... hell, a little bit of conceit never hurt nobody, ya dig?:




Well, that's all for now. Today was pretty much pleasant, besides these bullshit thoughts I have. I stress myself waaaaaaay too much. And I think too much. Sometimes I long for stupidity but.. it just won't happen.

*names have been changed (slightly) to protect the.... "innocent."

I Direct TurtlePorn.

It's like 2 a.m. and I really should be asleep; I have to work in the morning (booooooOO!!) . Instead, I'm up on blogger. Blogging. I've been staying up late nights recently though, so.. I don't know what that's all about. Maybe I'm nervous about not having any digital service, when Analog TV's inevitable demise is swiftly approaching. I wonder what the Analog stations last words will be. I plan on watching the death of Analog... kinduvuh morbid way of putting it but.. shit that's how they've been acting.

Anyways, something much better than TV is going to the zoo with your kids:

It was hot as hell, but the ManChild and I had a great time. It was like a regular fuckin' safari. We had lunch in the sweltering, humidity and then went hiking around the Washington Zoo. Of course I had a big ass backpack filled with non-sense because... well... I like to be prepared. There was temporary refuge in the various animal "houses" and lo' and behold.. what do we run into? Turtles fuckin'. That's right, and I took pictures:

That turtle was getting it IN... and once I figure out YouTube... or whatever (I'm such a freaking old lady when it comes to new shit.), I'm gonna upload. You can see him grinding on her, and yeah I'm an adult... but that shit was hilarious. The ManChild's interpretation of the deed was, "Hey look, Ma... that baby turtle is trying to get on his mother's back!" Thank White Jesus for innocence. I wasn't trying to explain sex to a 7 year old in the reptile house at the Washington Zoo.

There are a lot of pictures, but shit... it's quarter after 2 in the morning, and I'm just learning how to do this shit, forreal.

Sidebar:: I'm supposed to be meeting with my cousin and her wife this weekend. I hardly ever get to see her, so I'm hoping this will be some kind of event. She's an artist, and she has a mohawk. I'm trying to drum up the nerve to cut one for myself but... I have this obsession with long hair. So... the mohawk may have to wait.

Two of Four.

Formerly The Notorious Z.A.G., I was assimilated by the Borg: Brain Override Regarding Good (good sense, good judgment, good ideas, you name it). It was then I became Two of Four (all my Star Trek fans should get it). I have since regained my consciousness, and am now migrating slowly back into the human race, but let me tell you how and why I am now Two of Four.
At the tender age of 18... I was green, naive, silly... stupid. I wasn't missing any of my intelligence, it was just that my Brain Overrode anything Regarding Good. BORG. I fell in love with an idiot, because he showed me some attention. Lied to me about being hurt in relationships and blah blah blah, yackity smackity. I fell for it because I didn't know any better. I wanted to be that SOMETHING for someone, and that someone just happened to be the first yutz to come along. Well, he had an older woman - who I believe was about 35 then - pregnant (he was 20 or 21 at the time) who he insisted was not pregnant by him. I didn't care though, I sat there being a stupid little girl satisfying his every whim. Ran up my credit card bill... ran up my cell phone bill to $700 talking to females on chat lines. A complete and utter sizzling hot mess. I mean, even this dude's family was questioning why I was with this loser...and that's a direct quote. I couldn't see it at the time, a nigga had stars all in her eyes... thanks to the BORG.
To make a long story short, sooner than later I was pregnant. Did he want the baby? No. Did I care? Nope. Did I think that a baby would solidify the relationship and keep him there with me forever? I most certainly did, and boy was I wrong. We were together for about 7 or 8 months after I had the baby, and the relationship ended with me destroying all the electronics and gifts I received during the course of the relationship (almost 3 years) because he tried to take them back, over something so dumb that I can't even remember. I took all of that shit and tossed it in the street, watching gadgets and parts explode into pieces on impact. Shit, if I couldn't have it, he definitely couldn't, especially since I couldn't get back all the time and money I had so blindly put into the "relationship."
Well, my son is now seven years old, and hasn't seen his dick of a dad in about five years. Which I'm not okay with, but I can't force a man to be a man. That's not my job. My job is to raise my son the best way that I can. But that's all beside the point. Lately this infidel has decided to crash back on the scene via text message. Oh, technology can be a bitch; and get this: the first thing this fool is talking about is how he misses me and still loves me and wants to see me and been thinking about me and some ole other bullshit. NOTHING whatsoever about how his son is doing. Which I find both sad and hilarious. How the fuck are you gonna text me talking about you love me and miss me, but mention nada about the baby we made 8 years ago? Not to mention this dude has a girlfriend.... that I looked up on MySpace because I'm just like that. Don't know why but I like to know how a mother fucker looks... ya know? So anywho, I talk to him and find out that some other female is claiming that he fathered her child, and he doesn't believe it's his because the "Baby is lighter than [me] and has good hair. Man, that baby don't look nothing like [he does]." Now, being a fan of Maury... I'm well aware that a baby doesn't have to look like you to be yours. I explain that via text, but this dumbass doesn't get the point. He continues to tell me that he still loves me and is thinking about me... yeah okay, whatever dude.
Skip forward to today, I text him to find out whether or not my son has yet another brother that he'll never know because his father is a dick. Turns out, you ARE THE FATHER!! Some ole Maury type shit, lol. Again with the sad hilarity of the situation. So, being me, I decide to check out girlfriend's MySpace page again (I hadn't been on there in a while) and homegirl's status says: Preparing for the baby, getting ready for our trip in july and getting a promotion at work. Doing big things." Of course curiosity gets the best of me and I ask him, what baby are they preparing for? Turns out THIS chick is pregnant now. If you haven't been keeping count, she is baby mama number FOUR. Which makes me Two of Four. The BORG is taking over. So beware.
Why are niggas still fucking bitches without rubbers?? I mean... is poon really THAT good? To either a.) die for, b.) ruin a life or two.. or three or four for? Stupid.. I swear I wish I had been allergic to stupid years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love my son infinitely, he's a star!!

But good gottdamn... to fuck an idiot

The K'Naan Show Chronicles??

A few weeks ago, my cousins and I went to see K'Naan at Bourbon Street. His show kicked ass. The lovely ladies and I were like, right in front of the stage, we had the best standing-room-only-spots in the house!! Maya, Tiya and Mina were there when my little cousin Kia (we share the same name, nahmean??) got there, and unbeknownst to me, I had stationed myself in front of a little boy. When I turned and saw him there, his expression was that of 1,000 lost dreams, and I realized I was blocking his view of the stage. Being a mother, and an all around stand up gal, I switched places with Lil' Z, (who is about 5 inches and 200 lbs. lighter than I am), and his joy was instantly renewed. While standing and waiting for the show to start, the ladies struck up conversation with a group of teenaged white chicks from Annapolis, who were drunk and only 15. Well, the teens started talking to them first. None of them bothered to say anything to me, I guess my intolerance for bullshit was very apparent, as we had been standing there for about 2.5 hours before the show began.
About 15 minutes before the show, I hear my comrades begin to moan and complain about some miscellaneous crazy homeless woman, and before I see who they're talking about, I find myself being accosted and almost knocked down by a giant ass making it's way through the dense crowd to greet the ladies.
Dubbed, "The Crazy Muslim Lady," she planted herself right in front of the little boy I had blocked before. Now, I had moved for the boy, who only looked about 8 or 9 years old at the most, and she was arguing...or firm in her belief I should say, that she should not move out of his way. This kind of pissed me off, so after a brief discussion with Maya and Kia, we decided that Kia and I should switch places, putting me directly in front of The Crazy Muslim Lady, blocking her view of the stage.
"Excuse me," she shouted, shrouded in her various knit scarves and shit ( as seen in the first picture with the red on; we were in a crowded ass, hot room full of people mind you...there are thin cotton scarves, and linen scarves available but she had on some like...knit wintertime neck scarves to cover her self with.. what thee fuuck??!), "but you're in my personal space!"
"Excuse me," I retorted, "but my cousins and I were here first."
"I don't care if you WERE here first, You are in my space, and I will KNOCK YOU DOWN!!!!" The Crazy Muslim Lady threatened, pressing her hips up against mine. We were just about evenly matched in height and weight, so needless to say, I didn't budge.
"Really? Peace out..." *pointed to my peace sign scarf, and threw up the deuces..*
"There is NOTHING peaceful about you! You have your body pressed up against me, trying to push me... I am a Muslim Woman and my BODY IS SACRED!!" (LMMFAO)
"Wow, well pray for me then..."
"Are you Muslim? I pray that you did NOT come out of a Muslim Womb, because you are VERY NASTY!!!"
There was much more to the conversation, but I waited too long to blog about it, and I have the memory of an ostrich, lol. But there was enough happening to catch the attention of a security guard, who came over and attempted to smooth over the situation, which he did with minimal success, because The Crazy Muslim Lady was still salty about the whole ordeal even after the show was over (mission accomlished!! lol).
And then the show starts... yaaaaay!! K'Naan and his band KILLED the show, man. His songs were informative, deep, uplifting...crazy. But those damned silly little girls (who Kia noted, probably didn't even know what he was singing/raping about) were cheering and shit when the room would get quiet, which was also when K'Naan would be talking about death, child soldiers, and the general dire conditions in Somalia.. so much so that he had to indicate to the girls to shut thee fuck up. In addition to their ignorant cheering, they kept swinging their hair around, slapping me in the face with that bullshit. Soo.. I put my cold drink on one of their backs, and didn't have anymore problems with her... lol.
All in all, the show was kickass, and we had a great time. Afterwards, we went to XS and I had my sushi cherry popped, lol!! I ate that shit with chopsticks too, like a damn pro (thanks to the teachings of Mr. Zhang, my highschool Chinese Teacher... BPI, Stand Up!!!), although when I saw the bill..$37.89..uuugh for two sushi rolls and a mixed drink (what thee fuuck??!), my stomach kinda dropped, lol, but it was all good. I am the Prodigal Princess, after all, nahmean?
Tiya, Kia, Maya and Mina... we MUST do it again!!
xoxo